Does anyone give a flying rip what goes on in my life?
How (un)popular am I?
These are all questions we entrust Facebook to answer for us: from how cool we are (not), to how many people hang on our everyday happenings. At this point in history, our very worth as human beings comes down to that number in parenthesis after the word “Friends.”
Despite posting recently about us being “the generation with 742 Facebook friends,” my own current number is a lot closer to 7+4+2. Somewhere there is a rock in Indonesia with more FB fans than me.
For one, I have deleted my entire Friends-list more times than anyone would probably believe….behavior that was a byproduct of my “no one gives a sh*t about me” suicidal mentality.
Secondly, I end up removing nearly half of the people I add because I either:
A) accept their request out of curiosity, then spy on them for a day before deciding I don’t really know or like the person
B) decide this person doesn’t need to know my thoughts or gawk at my profile out of mentally ill paranoia
C) they’ve pissed me off and can now proceed to go f*ck themselves.
Third, I don’t participate in whatever competition the world has going to see how many acquaintences-of-acquaintances-of-acquaintences-of-friends (i.e. stuh-RANGERS!!!) I can collect in order to impress people whose opinions I could care less about.
Lastly, If 1-3 sounded like pathetic excuses for why I am a loser with no friends, I’ll just come right out and demystify the issue: I AM a loser and I DON’T really have any friends. I’ve chucked them all.
As you can tell, I simultaneously imbue Facebook with both waaaaay too much meaning and no importance whatsoever….what’s that quote to the effect of:
“You wouldn’t care so much what people thought about you if you knew how seldom they did.”
But then, that’s also precisely the point! No one thinks about me! I have tons of shit I want to say, and no one to say it to. Every time something hilarious or annoying or awesome or disturbing happens, I think of who I could tell and come up with – you guessed it – nobody. I could always post it on Facebook and then feel more pathetic when nobody bothers to comment on it, right?!?!
Top 10 Reasons Why Facebook Is The Devil:
- It does nothing but incite envy. There will always be people with more good times in their photo albums, more smiling beer-holding friends in their pictures, and more exciting sh*t going on in their lives.
- It does nothing but incite fake-ness. You invest hours concocting the perfect online persona, with carefully selected pictures and quotes and descriptions to make yourself appear happier, cooler, hotter, smarter, funnier, and more interesting than you really are.
- It does nothing but incite impulsivity. In a split second you tell 375 people something you reeeeallly should’ve kept to yourself.
- It does nothing but incite over-disclosure. You broadcast your least intelligent thoughts to the world. For some of us, this reveals that we are illiterate backwoods dingdongs who can’t spell or string together a coherent sentence (and by this I mean family). And I quote: “It is better to keep your mouth shut and let people think you’re stupid, than to open it and remove all doubt."
- It does nothing but incite jealousy. You now have the ultimate spy tool to track every fool your friends and (ex)boyfriends are in contact with and how much more attention they pay to them than you.
- It does nothing but incite rage. Seriously, that bitch does something every other week with so-and-so but never has time for ME? Screw her. “Unfriend.”
- It does nothing but incite picture-taking. I swear to GOD I cannot figure out how a camera is present in every conceivable life situation and WHO the hell is spending every waking moment taking pictures of the dumbest stuff imaginable.
- It does nothing but incite loneliness. Despite hundreds of connections, you couldn’t possibly feel more alone.
- It does nothing but incite hatred. I fucking hate Facebook, don’t YOU?
- It does nothing but incite desperation. So follow downfromtheledge on Facebook. Please?