Tuesday, December 29, 2009

On coming clean….“and the truth shall set you free”

It’s hard to determine the right tone for a suicide blog. Dark, melancholy, and indulgent? Uplifting, positive, and encouraging? In the end I decided to write what I would want to read: the truth. From a genuine voice. Nothing fake, nothing that shoves the topic under the rug because it’s too touchy for some. Simply the truth. And if my sarcastic brand of dark humor alienates anyone, that’s unfortunate, but fortunately alienating people is something I’m accustomed to. If you’ve lost the ability to see the humor in the dark side of life, tell Netflix to keep all the seasons of “Six Feet Under” coming.

It’s a funny thing about the truth: it really sucks sometimes. Life is painful. Some of us get a vase overflowing with dead flowers instead of a box of chocolates. Rather than, “Welcome to the world; we’re glad you’re here,” our cards read “You’re not wanted; why don’t you go back to where you came from.” Often that doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.

Sooo…what of truth? It’s something you tell. Something you face. Something you can run from but never quite escape. Believe me, I’ve been trying for the past couple of years. Denial, full-speed ahead. Keeping all the secrets that go along with suicide is a heavy task. For the first time in my life, I’ve had to keep up with all the lies I had been telling to everyone I know. No one was exempt. Not even me; after all, don’t you have to lie to yourself most of all? Pretend that it’s not going to ruin lives all around you, pretend not to know that some people will never be the same?

What OF the truth….DOES it set you free? I recently spilled my guts to my dad after Thanksgiving. Just what every father wants to hear; his daughter has been plotting her own death, down to the last letter. I left out some of the gruesome details; no mention of my research into drug combinations and dosages seemed pertinent. And is it really necessary to disclose to loved ones that you called around to price dry ice so that your body would be preserved enough for a green burial? And besides, how much truth is too much? As for me, I can’t seem to get enough of it. Others go through life pulling the wool over their own eyes. But we’ll talk more about my mom later.

As for whether the truth will set ME free, it’s too soon to tell. All I can do is report on my progress. It’s only been a month, and some days the realities of facing life again are so overwhelming that I crave the denial I so carelessly tossed aside with the truth. I threw away my coping mechanism, and life is harsh.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

This, too, shall pass?

"God never gives us more than we can handle."

"What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger."

“This, too, shall pass.”

"Just think positive; pull yourself out of it."

"Everything happens for a reason."

But what if there really was no good reason for us to feel this way? And the pain never truly passed, but instead infiltrated every aspect of our personalities until we couldn’t remember who we used to be back when something meant something to us? What if our bodies turned into living, breathing evidence betraying the fact that we could not, in fact, handle it? And what if, in the end, we became deadened, weakened versions of who we used to be? Finally…what if we spat those clichés back into the face of the morons spewing them out in some misguided attempt to comfort us through our dark times?!

Oops, was that harsh? Well, if you’re the type of person who is prone to remarks like “Jesus can save you,” you will find this blog mightily irreverent; please read no further. If, on the other hand, you fear you may one day smack the shit out of somebody who utters one of the aforementioned clichés, read on!

If you can relate to these sentiments, you are probably sick to death of people who are quick to offer advice and render judgment, and slow to really listen when understanding is what you truly need. It’s easy to dispense solutions when you’re not the one wanting to kill yourself every day. What’s hard is to simply be there for another human being.

I am not writing this blog because I have the answers to everyone’s problems. I can’t pull anyone else out of a place I often can’t climb out of myself. I can, however, attempt to offer this forum as a source of support for anyone who has suffered from depression or suicidal tendencies. Because the truth is, many people simply don’t understand this scary, taboo subject. Suicide is a concept most people cannot get their heads around. If life has never brought you to your knees, what could you know of suffering?

I know firsthand what it’s like to have to pretend for everyone else’s sake, to put on the happy face in order to live up to others’ expectations, to hold it all inside so that nobody has to worry about a problem they can’t solve for you. For these reasons, I need a place where I can express what I really think and feel, without the fear of judgment.

Maybe you do, too.

Join me in the attempt to “step down from the ledge,” so to speak. Let’s get through one day, one hour, one minute at a time and live to see what tomorrow brings. Even if we think we already know it’ll only be more suffering.

"Tell your truth. You never know who you'll set free."