Friday, December 23, 2011

Holiday Blues

Tomorrow the relatives will all be at my parents’ house, and instead of avoiding the Christmas Eve charade as I’d planned, I’ll wear my fake smile and pretend I give a sh*t about all these people that have never given a damn about me.  Like Thanksgiving, my dad won’t be there, so reality’s creeping in.

I’m in a sour mood.  I didn’t anticipate this year being difficult as far as holidays go, because I’ve been feeling a little more even-keeled over all.  But then, I didn’t anticipate having to listen to my parents argue out the final details of the divorce settlement right before Christmas.  I thought this year I’d finally have a job and not have to feel like a failure once again when people ask what I’ve been up to.  I’m so sick of feeling like a loser.  Or else I’m sick of *being* a loser; one of the two.

Then there are the things you have no control over, like dreams about the past, and old memories creeping in.  Somehow the old pain flares up, like scar tissue that never quite healed right.  I try not to ponder too long on the happiness people from my past are experiencing in their lives; new babies and families that are celebrating instead of breaking apart.

Even still, the past hurts me.  The fact that my life fell apart over the holidays has hung over every Thanksgiving and Christmas since.  It’s easy to say that one shouldn’t allow things from so long ago to ruin the present, and I believe that if I were more satisfied with my current life I might have an easier time keeping the sadness out.  Instead, it’s one more unhappy year.  Maybe not quite as miserable as the few before, but gloomy nonetheless.

To top it off, my hip pain has really been flaring up, and I don’t know when I might be able to get insurance next.  Will life always be about coping with, and overcoming, and pulling through, and never about living?  I just want to be put into a drug-induced coma.  Srsly.

2 comments:

  1. There's a lot of ways to deal with hip pain cheaply. I'm a pro on hip pain! You probably walk with one hip slightly in front of the other so if you figure out which one, consciously walking the other way sometimes helps. Or if you figure out which leg doesn't straighten as much as the other (it'll be the same leg where you don't clench your buttock as much at the end of a stride), consciously start straightening that leg more and clenching that butt cheek. Use a lacrosse ball under the butt muscles and under your hip lying on the side. And then do exercises that balance both sides--like jump rope, or kundalini yoga dvds. Because I'm a bodyworker (or was), with a lot of body problems, I've received a ton of bodywork and nothing really sticks without self-education.

    I'm also a big fan of the exercises in the book Somatics, by Thomas Hanna.

    As for the family stuff. Holiday cheer isn't for everyone, I find it annoying myself. You're out of your Saturn return now (from age 27-30 or thereabouts) and things will just get better from now on. If you let them!

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  2. Thanks for the suggestions, I'll try to focus more on my stride; I also ordered Hanna's book.

    It's been 4 yrs now of unrelenting piriformis-bursitis-glute med-psoas issues. I've done the tennis ball and foam roller, a year of the physical therapy exercises, massage and myofascial release, you name it.

    I wonder about the impact of jump-roping, given that my sacrum is always tilted out of whack...hmmm.

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