Tuesday, May 24, 2011

On optimism, and other qualities I usually don’t possess.

I have a little bit of hope today. 

For the first day since December of 2007, my hip doesn’t hurt.  That makes me blissfully happy.

This is a momentous occasion for me, because it’s only the second time in about a dozen years that I’ve been pain-free.  The other one was after a massage at the end of day 5 of RAGBRAI (a week-long bike ride across the state of Iowa) in 2006.  I hope it lasts more than a day this time!!!!

Torturous pain will fuel the fire of depression like no other.  Hurting all day, every day, every night for years could take even the best person out.  And I was pretty screwed up to begin with.  It has hurt so badly, for so long, that I’ve had a hard time believing it would ever end.  And I would rather die than live that way forever.  

If I can sit in a chair, or stand for more than 20 minutes, or get to sleep at night, or function somewhat like a normal human being, I could maybe keep a job!  I could maybe lose all the weight I’ve put on during the years I couldn’t exercise the amount I’m accustomed to.

This could be the beginning of a way out of the darkness.    

“Faith is the bird that sings when the dawn is still dark.” -Rabindranath Tagore

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

The Un-Life

Right now I am living the opposite of anything that could possibly resemble a life.  
An existence creeping far too slowly towards death, perhaps.  But a life?  No.  
My eyes are open twelve hours a day.  I try; I fail.  I try harder; I still fail.   

On most days, it seems the best is all in the past (“best” being a misnomer, because nothing I had was worth keeping).

Someone loved me.  Once. 
I had a career.  Once.
I was great at some things.  Once. 

Now I am nobody doing nothing headed: nowhere.

Most of the time, it feels as though I’m never going to make it back “in.”  Whatever that means. 
I’m terrified every moment of every day that I don’t have what it takes to do this.
I used to be the naive fool who believed if you just work hard enough, you can get what you want. 

The way the world actually works is: you can try to do it all right and still wind up with nothing.

Or, as House aptly summarized, “People don’t get what they deserve, they just get what they get.”