Self-Esteem, Self-Worth...or C) None of the Above

"I'm going to ask a question that will probably shock everyone in this room that I'm asking....you know, it all sounds great on the surface, but when you look a little closer at your resume, there's a year here, a year there, and it doesn't seem like you've stayed any place for very long...can I ask why?" --Interviewer (2 weeks ago)

I have answered this question, in all its various forms, time and time again.  

I have concocted versions of the truth, and flat-out lies.  

I have summoned confidence I don't really possess to emphasize all the right things, instead of all the things that make me look bad.  


But the truth is, it doesn't matter.



The 7 years that I *was* with the same employer....they don't matter.  

Straight A's and Summa Cum Laude?  Doesn't matter.  

The 3 extra years I spent earning a Master's?  High school dropouts make more than I do right now.

Volunteering and going the extra mile?  Don't make me laugh.



It is my fault.  I am the one who left the job where I was making good money in return for being treated like shit.  It was my decision to stand up for myself, my decision to quit, and my decision to drive to Nashville to kill myself.  

The problem, ironically, is that I didn't kill myself.  

The way this has fucked up my life...well, it just makes me wish I had.  Choosing to live has ruined my life.  Years of unemployment and suicidal depression...the ensuing downward spiral....

Through it all, I haven't given up.  Through all the dismissal and rejection, I plodded through five hundred twenty-five thousand job applications until one day - yes! - one day, it all paid off....

There is so much more dignity in being underemployed, rather than just unemployed.  Even though my degree is worth twice what I am making, at least I am in the field.  I can always console myself with that when I think of trash collectors making double my income.  

It's not that I wasn't bitter before this job interview two weeks ago; it's that I forgot how bitter I was, being fortunate enough to have a job to go to every day.  I was dumb enough to go out on a limb and apply for the position my degree tells me I am qualified for....and end up rejected once again.  The irony is, I was feeling more confident than ever because I finally have 9 months of steady employment in my field with great references!  So much for that.  

At least I gave it a shot.  Yes, it made me feel like absolute shit afterwards, but what doesn't.  The important thing is that I had the self-worth to believe I deserved it...for a moment, anyway.  

Six Weeks, Two Days, Three and a Half Hours

Doesn’t sound like a very long time, does it? Well, it’s the longest I’ve lasted at any job in the past 4 years. Woohoo for the personal record I set there, bummer that I had to stick the punctuation mark at the end of that sentence today. I wanted it to work out. Desperately. But given my history with sales focused jobs, the writing was on the wall from the beginning.

Nonetheless, I accomplished a few small feats in the short weeks I was able to remain gainfully employed . . . pretend you’re impressed:

1. I arrived early to work every single day. Sometimes by 15 minutes! I realize other grown-ups do not consider this a marvel because they are on time to their jobs every single day. As a perpetually-5-minutes-late person, however, this goes down as a bloody effing miracle in my book. And no, I’m not English.

2. I (almost) secured a full-time position with benefits . . . if I would’ve met the metrics required to last beyond the probationary period, that is. The only other time that’s happened these past 4 years was when I got hired to sell gym memberships. Lasted one day at that.

3. I functioned as a semi-normal human being for the entire duration. I showered daily, put on makeup, and did my hair. I packed a lunch, ran errands, did chores when I got home, and carried out the mundane tasks of living. Again, not a grand triumph unless you barely leave the house. Brushed my teeth twice a day even, how do ya like that?

4. I socialized both in- and outside of work and was only a grouchy introvert a small portion of the time. In fact, I made a few friends and found it could be plausible that I am an acceptable human being. I went out for (3) drinks and pushed through my feelings of being a pathetic loser while surrounded by blackout-drunk coworkers who seemed to be just getting started as I was cashing in for the night. I stayed past what was comfortable, so at least I stretched outside of my box even if I’ll never fit in with my peers.

So I rejoined the land of the living. For a brief spell, at least. Built up some momentum. Now it’s time to hunker down, fill out a thousand online job apps again and pray to high heaven I don’t fall back into severe malfunction.

Can you hear the "Rent" theme song? This is the economy tribute version...

Slight variation on this classic: hit play and sing along to the new lyrics!

Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Job app-li-ca-tions
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
rebuffs to bear
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
com-pan-y websites
How do you measure—a wasted degree? 

In networks - on LinkedIn
In resumes - or cover letters
On Monster  -or Twitter
In e-mails and tweets
In - five hundred twenty-five thousand
di-fer-rent job boards
How do you measure a year in this strife?



I’ve had e-nouuuggghhhh

No unemploy-mennnnnnnt
Or health insur-annnnnnnce

Measure in loss
I’ve lost my liiiiiiiiiiifeee

I’ve lost my liiiiiiiiiiifee

Five hundred twenty-five thousand
racked up achievements
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
interview preps
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
hoops that I jumped through
How do you measure the worth
Of a woman or a man?

Soloist #1:

In A’s that she earned
Or the days he just cried
In loans they deferred
Or in bankruptcies filed

It's time now—to scream out
Cuz the job search never ends
Let's commemorate

Remember the year that we wished we were dead

My sala-ry’s now wa-gessssssssss
I’m on antidepress-annnnnnnnnnts

Can’t take more re-jec-tiooonnnnnnnn

My savings is gone

Everything’s gooooooonnne

Soloist #1: Measure, the money in savings

I can’t pay my reeeeennnnnt

Now I am home-leeeessssssss

I don’t get – how I can
Be under- over- qual-i-fi-ied

On food stamps – we’re poor now
The educated un-em-ploy-ed

Five hundred twenty-five thousand
loans in foreclosure
How do you figure the interest on that?

Everything’s goooooooooonnnne!!!!!!!

©downfromtheledge 2010