I’m in a sour mood. I didn’t anticipate this year being difficult as far as holidays go, because I’ve been feeling a little more even-keeled over all. But then, I didn’t anticipate having to listen to my parents argue out the final details of the divorce settlement right before Christmas. I thought this year I’d finally have a job and not have to feel like a failure once again when people ask what I’ve been up to. I’m so sick of feeling like a loser. Or else I’m sick of *being* a loser; one of the two.
Then there are the things you have no control over, like dreams about the past, and old memories creeping in. Somehow the old pain flares up, like scar tissue that never quite healed right. I try not to ponder too long on the happiness people from my past are experiencing in their lives; new babies and families that are celebrating instead of breaking apart.
Even still, the past hurts me. The fact that my life fell apart over the holidays has hung over every Thanksgiving and Christmas since. It’s easy to say that one shouldn’t allow things from so long ago to ruin the present, and I believe that if I were more satisfied with my current life I might have an easier time keeping the sadness out. Instead, it’s one more unhappy year. Maybe not quite as miserable as the few before, but gloomy nonetheless.
To top it off, my hip pain has really been flaring up, and I don’t know when I might be able to get insurance next. Will life always be about coping with, and overcoming, and pulling through, and never about living? I just want to be put into a drug-induced coma. Srsly.