Wednesday, May 18, 2011

The Un-Life

Right now I am living the opposite of anything that could possibly resemble a life.  
An existence creeping far too slowly towards death, perhaps.  But a life?  No.  
My eyes are open twelve hours a day.  I try; I fail.  I try harder; I still fail.   

On most days, it seems the best is all in the past (“best” being a misnomer, because nothing I had was worth keeping).

Someone loved me.  Once. 
I had a career.  Once.
I was great at some things.  Once. 

Now I am nobody doing nothing headed: nowhere.

Most of the time, it feels as though I’m never going to make it back “in.”  Whatever that means. 
I’m terrified every moment of every day that I don’t have what it takes to do this.
I used to be the naive fool who believed if you just work hard enough, you can get what you want. 

The way the world actually works is: you can try to do it all right and still wind up with nothing.

Or, as House aptly summarized, “People don’t get what they deserve, they just get what they get.”


  1. big hugs friend. i'm not doing so hot myself now-a-days, definitely not at love and my job is looking bleak. get all the strength you can find, even if it is just in the corridors of your mind with memories of another life. even if it is left over from dreams that seem to have dissipated. even if its from a song or a story you remember. then take it and manufacture more and demand your piece of life.

  2. thanks, and i hope your own path gets a little easier soon.

  3. Dear friends,

    I have felt this way for most of my life. Eventually I went to the doctor, adamant they weren't going to put me on drugs. They did put me on drugs (prozac) and within 2 months I felt hope again.

    I realise this route doesn't work for everyone. But if you haven't yet tried them, I'm someone who has nearly left this world twice and now becaue of my anti depressants I have a future.

  4. I am glad to hear that you have been able to find some hope ... sometimes meds can prove to be a turning point, sometimes not.

    For over a decade, I was on and off different anti-depressants. I tapered off of Effexor last year, and that was the end of it for me. It was brutal, like something you would see on Celebrity Rehab with a heavy drug addict. I hated the side effects of the drug itself, but the withdrawal was an absolute nightmare.

    A few months out, I don't always love life but I like the way I *feel* better. I can think clearly, without the fog of medication.

    For me, the despair and self-hatred are deep issues that medication can cloud over but not eradicate. It's always there waiting for me to deal with.

    It's all about coping and staying alive, and whatever helps with that is worthwhile...