Y felicidad. Well, Dixie Chicks, it’s been FOUR long years now since the top of the world came crashing down ... apparently I’m reeeeaaally taking the long way around. Maybe I peaked early, and cracking 30 put me “over the hill,” so to speak. As another year screeches to a halt, I reflect on the build-up of all my life’s accomplishments one after the other, the wall I smashed into, and the straight drop down.
Straight A’s. Scholarships. Awards. Prodding from my professors to move onto Ivy League PhD programs. But I stayed at my safe local university for my MA, because that’s what a practical, naive girl does. I had a fiancé. I had a life in mind, a plan that was going to unfold MY way. I would graduate, get married, pop out kids, and embark on my middle-class career in a secure field.
Turns out I had to ditch the guy along the way (and all my ideals about love), but the career! Now that was going to be the shred of stability I could focus my perfectionism on. I plodded on with my accomplishments, “growing” professionally by about five grand per year, always moving on to bigger and better opportunities. And then it all vanished, never to be found again.
I literally cannot figure out where I went. The old me would not even recognize whatever I am now. She would be disgusted by me. She could not begin to relate to “giving up.”
I am a nobody. I am a has-been. I am nothing to no one. It used to be my life’s work to help people in this very frame of mind, now I can’t stand the thought of helping myself. I can’t stand the thought of continuing to pretend all the time. I can’t stand not being able to fix myself. I sit here crying at the prospect of another year to get through. I just don’t understand when it’s going to get better. After all this time, why hasn’t it?
It’s funny how, if you go long enough without something you thought you wanted sooooo bad, you can end up not wanting it anymore. Period. Like kids. And marriage. If given enough time, you’re forced to examine why you wanted life’s traditional ends to begin with. You analyze the lives around you, and ask which shoes, if any, you long to be in.
What if you can’t even find anyone to envy? I mean, if you see someone who has something you want, you can try to go out and get it. Well there’s nothing I want to go out and get, folks. I’d rather sit around and waste away, apparently. If you think long and hard enough, you may not end up finding the solutions to your life’s problems; instead, you may just grow terribly sick of mulling it all over endlessly.