Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Violated by my cat.

My cat just licked my nipple.  I then proceeded to snort toothpaste out of my nose.

Me: Innocently standing in front of the vanity brushing my teeth.
Cat: Hmm.  What's this object pointed at me?

First of all, I'm pissed that she waited 4 years to tell me she was a lesbian.  Did she think I would judge her?

Secondly, I'd like her to go back to her usual inappropriate behavior, like sticking her nasty cat lips on my bathroom cup or trying to lick sweat out of my belly button after a run.

Even the times she tricks me into thinking there is a hazelnut on the floor and then laughs when I scream and throw her turd across the room...even then I tell myself that this is how normal cats entertain themselves.

Or other times when she uses the carpet as toilet paper and smears a 4-foot long poop streak across the floor like Toby in the Stanley Steemer commercial...did I punt her into outer space?  No I didn't.  Because what else can I expect from someone with 3-inch long ass hair.  Really.

You'd think I'd be happy, since nobody else has been licking my nipple in recent history.

Nope, not happy.

Creeped out.

On a positive note, it makes me feel progressive to own her, since we will probably join PFLAG to advocate for lesbian cat rights.

On the other hand, I know it's bestiality when humans molest animals, but I don't know what to call this incident when I go seek counseling for it.

Can you go around telling people your cat licked your nipple?  No you can't.

So consider yourself privileged.

(Incidentally, Urban Dictionary defines turd as: "Generally, a log-shaped piece of shit. Nevertheless, they are also found in coil-shape, mushroom-cloud shape, and even loch ness monster shape.")


  1. I'm reminded of this time when my older son took a bath and was standing naked afterwards with his pelvis kind of thrust forward. My younger son, who was still breastfeeding at the time, saw his brother's penis and how it looked kind of like a nipple and he opened up his mouth and leaned forward until I pulled him away, horrified.

    1. Ha! Horrified, yes that is how I felt, too. Will you tell him someday when he is being a bratty teenager, or never speak of it to anyone? :)

  2. Hahahahahaha.

    That is all.