Periodically my hip gets so bad that I nearly go berserk. Then I google and research and strategize what I will attempt next to make the pain go away.
So for various reasons I am running late to get to this appointment that is twice as far of a drive as I had allowed for. Rushing to go relax, I thought to myself. Makes a lot of sense.
Because I am late, she forgoes the 2-minute clothing removal and does the MFR with my clothes on. On any other day I would’ve thrown on yoga pants or something comfy, but no, toDAY I wear jeans. Awesome.
We can’t start on my hip right away because my sacrum is tilted out of whack, so we start with spinal decompression. Have I ever injured my tailbone? Why yes. Yes I have.
I knew I should have gone to the chiropractor first. I scold myself for another failure. I am annoyed that I always do the same crap, that I am always late, that I am supposed to be relaxing but my jeans aren’t very bendy and the whole thing is the opposite of the slow, gentle healing it is intended to be. I wonder why I ever leave the house.
She works on my jaw next. I try to put aside my OCD issue about people touching my face in hopes that my TMJ will be alleviated, but mostly I think about my pores getting clogged and the breakouts I will wake up to tomorrow.
On the drive home I call to see if there are massage openings at this other place I go to sometimes. In 25 minutes...perfect. I squeeze in an adjustment since the chiro’s in the same building and, after all, why do another treatment when everything’s in the wrong place? More scurrying around.
For the massage I go bare. Well technically, first I get on the table with my panties and my dignity in place, then I decide it will just make it awkward for her to access all the hip and glute muscles that have aching trigger points. Sigh.
Facedown with my head in the little circle, I fail to close my eyes soon enough and have to ponder the handwritten “grandpa” tattoo on her feet, along with her french-tipped toes. She starts with my legs, and I anger at the stretch marks in places that weren’t there a couple of years ago. I beat myself up over a few hundred more things. I panic at the slight breeze in my nethers, where a properly-tucked massage sheet normally should be shielding. Oh, well. Look at my privates. See if I care.
I tell myself that even fat people deserve massages as I internally apologize to the girl for having to squeegee across my fat rolls and dimples and stretch marks. I contemplate the vulnerability of baring one’s ugliness to a complete stranger, who - truth be told - doesn't really have much of a say. I wonder about the stories these people could tell of the bodies they have to look at. The possibility, not the promise, of being in slightly less pain allows me to surrender to this humiliation.
Accompanying me as always, the despair lingering beneath the surface. This is my body I’ve destroyed that I don’t want anyone to ever see again, this body that nobody (save a massage therapist or doctor) has touched in years and maybe never will again. This is my pain that may never go away that has ruined my life and my hope and my health. This is my summation of failures in the world and the reason I don’t want to be with myself, much less someone else.